Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
