you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
