k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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