apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
