just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
