My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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