that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
