Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
