Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
