New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
