well I can't set my house on fire every night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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