apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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