You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
