Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
