Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
