shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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