After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
