I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
