I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
whose parrot is this?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
