his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
