May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
