dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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