Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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