Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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