It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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