You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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