I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
