is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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