i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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