Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
