I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
