Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
