I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
