Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
