True but thats because hes a fetus.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
