when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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