I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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