I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
