I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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