Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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