My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
