hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
