your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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