I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
