You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
