I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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