mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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