Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
