y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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