maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
