when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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